A Little Humor Page
        The Earl y Days of Tech Support
        The tech support problem dates back to long before the Industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:
           
           Fire help. Me Groog
           
           Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
           
           You have flint and stone?

           Ugh
           
           You hit them together?
           
           Ugh
           
           What happen?
           
           Fire not work
           
           (sigh) Make spark?
           
           No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
           
           *sigh* You change rock?
           
           I change nothing
           
           You sure?
           
           Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto
           hand. Only small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.
           
           *Groog grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*
           
           *WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*
           

 

 

 

        Modem Times:
        Maxims for the Internet Age
          1. Home is where you hang your @
          2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
          3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
          4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
          5. Great groups from little icons grow.
          6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
          7. C:\ is the root of all directories.  (Actually, / is the root of all directories.)
          8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
          9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
          10. The modem is the message.
          11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
          12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
          13. A chat has nine lives.
          14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
          15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
          16. What boots up must come down.
          17. Windows will never cease.
          18. In Gates we trust.
          19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
          20. Modulation in all things.
          21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
          22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
          23. Know what to expect before you connect.
          24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
          25. Speed thrills.
          26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net
                 and he won't bother you for weeks.
          27. Beware of geeks bearing GIF's.
          28. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
           
           

 
 
         Things you'll never hear a Redneck say.........
        • "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
        • Duct tape won't fix that
        • Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael
        • Come to think of it I'll have a Heineken's
        • We don't keep firearms in this house.
        • Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
        • You can't feed that to the dog.
        • I thought Graceland was tacky.
        • No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
        • Wrasslin's fake.
        • Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
        • We're vegetarians.
        • Do you think my hair is too big?
        • I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
        • Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
        • Who's Richard Petty?
        • Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
        • Deer heads detract from the decor.
        • Spitting is such a nasty habit.
        • I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
        • Trim the fat off that steak.
        • Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
        • The tires on that truck are too big.
        • I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
        • I've got it all on a floppy disk.
        • Unsweetened tea tastes better.
        • Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
        • My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
        • I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
        • Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
        • Checkmate.
        • She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
        • Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
        • Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
        • I don't have a favorite college team.
        • Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
        • I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
        • Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
        • Elvis who?
        •  
        • My New Tech Support Fees

          • Calling me with a question.................................................................$10
          Calling me with a stupid question......................................................$30
          Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate............$50
          Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem
                                   description...................................$1000 + punitive damages
          Questions where answer is in manual...............................................$100
          Calling me back with the  same problem after I fix it once..............$100
          Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem
               is on my end somehow..................................................................$200
          If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix
               somebody else's problem.................................................$170/hr
          If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now..............$250/hr
          If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it......................$60/hr
          If you've come to ask me why something isn't working
               while I'm currently working on
               it...............................$270/hr If you're asking me to fix
               something I fixed for you
               yesterday.......................................................$175/h
               r If you're asking me to fix something I told you
               I fixed yesterday, but never did
               fix.............................$85/hr If you're asking me to fix a
               quick patch that
               I made that didn't
               work...........................................$95/hr
           
               Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having
               and which is "stopping all work." Not being
               there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office
               knows anything about
               it..........................................$1700.00 Explaining a
               problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE
               mentioning it's your personal machine at
               home.....................$500.00 Self-diagnosing your problem and
               informing me what to do..........$150.00 Having me bail you out when
               you perform your own repairs
               I told you not to
               do..............................................$300.00 Not telling
               all of your co-workers about it.......................$850.00 Figuring
               out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive.........$50.00
               Fixing your "broken" mouse with a
               mousepad..........................$25.00 Fixing your "broken" optical
               mouse by rotating the
               mousepad 90
               degrees.................................................$35.00 Fixing
               a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers.....................$50.00
               Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner
               cartridge............$35.00 Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the
               power button................$250.00 Fixing the "crashed" system by
               turning the external disk back on...$200.00 Fixing the "hung" system
               by plugging the ethernet
               transciever back
               in................................................$375.00
           
           
               Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you
               don't have an account
               there............................................$10 Explaining that
               you don't have an account on the machine you
               used to havean account on because you used it to try to break
               into the above
               server.................................................$500 Bringing
               in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0
               to fix a brand new
               machine............................................$200 Spending 30
               minutes trying to figureout what your problem is,
               and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you
               say... "So that's what the little box that popped up
               on my screen was telling me to
               do!"....................................$40 Listening to your network
               troubles, suggesting that you
               check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes,
               trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug type,
               listening to you drag furniture, and
               hearing a sheepish, "Oops.
               Nevermind.".................... $35 (including discount for polite
               apology) Dealing with tech support requests for obviously
               pirated
               software.......................................................$25
               Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously
               pirated software]?Mine just died."
               requests............................$45 Having to use the "We're
               really not the best people to talk to
               about that; why don't you try calling the number on the box
               in which you bought it?"
               line..........................................$55
           
               Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive
               in Outer Slobavia as a
               Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client
               problem............................$25.00 Reporting it more than
               once..........................................$50.00 Reporting it more
               than once and implying slothfullness on tech support's inability to
               solve problem......................................... $200.00
           
           
           
               Special Rates:
               Dealing with user body odor...............................$175.00/hour
               Dealing with user not familiar with the primary
               language spoken at site...................................$150.00/hour
               Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter
               than you are, but still calls every other day for help....$300.00/hour
               Dealing with computer hobbiests...........................$500.00/hour
               Questioning the other prices..................................$50
           
           

        • One Final Laugh . . . .

          • Did you hear about the Veterinarian and the Taxidermist who combined their business?

          Their slogan:
           

        • "Either way you get your pet back."
        •  
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