1. Accept that some days you're
the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
2. Needing a man is like
needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances
are you won't be needing him again.
3. I can please only one
person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good
either.
4. Last night I lay in
bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where
the heck is the ceiling?!"
5. My Reality Check bounced.
6. On the keyboard of life,
always keep one finger on the escape key.
7. Someday we'll look back
on all this and plow into a parked car.
8. There are very few personal
problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
9. Good news is just life's
way of keeping you off balance.
10. Carelessly planned
projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned
projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because
the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
11. God did not create
the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
12. I still miss my ex-husband,
but my aim is improving.
13. Stupidity got us into
this mess -- why can't it get us out?
14. Politicians and diapers
have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and
for the same reason.
15. People will accept
your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin
said it first.
16. I don't mind going
nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
17. Indecision is the key
to flexibility.
18. If it ain't broke,
fix it till it is.
19. I don't get even, I
get odder.
20. In just two days, tomorrow
will be yesterday.
21. I considered atheism
but there weren't enough holidays.
22. I always wanted to be a procrastinator,
never got around to it.
23. Dijon vu -- the same
mustard as before.
24. My inferiority complex
is not as good as yours.
25. I am having an out
of money experience.
26. I plan on living forever.
So far, so good.
27. Not afraid of heights --
afraid of widths.
28. Practice safe eating -- always
use condiments.
29. A day without sunshine is
like night.
30. I have kleptomania, but when
it gets bad, I take something for it.
31. If marriage were outlawed,
only outlaws would have in-laws.
